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[28 Oct 2006|01:20am] |
Been working hard to get into the workplace. Worked with MRC and am now waiting to be told im approved. So untill then its ust keeping on m meds, and keeping happy. So me and nia been plaing Fatal Frames III and its by far the most terrifing game ive ever played. Hands Down.
I highly recomend it.
Its nice to have something to be afraid of that isnt real life oriented. its a nice twist on my life. Its good to not have to be afraid all the time.
Creativity abound. Tring to learn the violin/fiddle pain in the ass but i really wanna play so imma do what i can with it and see how it goes.
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| Things arent so bad |
[25 Oct 2006|05:43pm] |
So the worldust gets better.
The SSIshould be allset soon., looking into voice training, as wellas a setofhigher qualit falsies, Gaff etc. Spendingmore qualit time with my girlfriend. We've been plaing Fatal Frame III and DoA 2 lately. Things aregood. Imreally hopeing i get aprovedfor m hormones, but m biggest concern is the connection to the trans comunity but if i can getmy liscence then i wont have an issues doing that but untill then ittl be rough, so heres wishing myself well, and heres to a bright tommorrow
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[17 Oct 2006|04:30pm] |
So its tuesday, and I had therapy yesterday. Its possible I'll be on hormones before the first of the year! My therapist will be putting it before the clinical team next time they conviene. Im so excited. Took some pictures while I was in Boston. Well, my girlfriend did. Hope to have them online within a week. Woke up today (tuesday) and had a sore in my eyelid, not sure what it is just a little swelling and a white thing under the lid. Hurts like hell, but my girlfriend is treating me nice and making me feel good. Well I'm going to take it easy like she told me to. Time for Resident Evil action I think, maybe some Soul Calibur III.
To my guy friend out there. Be strong.
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| Welcome to my world. |
[15 Oct 2006|05:18pm] |
Hey there.
If your reading this, hopefully your here with the intent of learning something new. Thats the purpose of this journal. Ive coupled this with a myspace account to invite you all to join me on an incredible journey. But first I think I should tell you a little about myself. My name is Lorelei Aleksandra *(ommited for my safety). Sasha for short. I am a 24 year old Pre-Op Male-to-Female Transgender Woman and this is my story.
I was born somewhere in California in 1981, and adopted at the age of 3 years old. I was cared for by a loving family whom has always done what they felt was best for me. Around the age of 8 years old, like all children, I played make believe with my friends, but for some reason I always wanted to be the girl. Now I didnt think anthing of it, but around the time I was 14 I was sent to an all-boys live-in school, for behavorial issues in middle school. I was sent there because I would refuse to go to middle school at times, never did my school work, and would constantly argue with my parents. I became a tough rough boy at the live-in school however. I had to be or I'd be one of the people that got constantly bullied. But I couldnt escape who I was. The problem, was that "I" didnt know who I was. I simply knew WHAT I was. I was wrong. I was different. I laugh about it now, because the only thing I was, was stupid. Before I turned 18 years old I was transfered to my second live-in school. This one was co-ed. I was there for 6 months and after several beatings and a stabbing (I got lucky, the knife was a table knife ) I knew what I had to get out of there. I went home after 6 months on a visit, to talk to my parents and the school. After an hour of acting, crying, and deciet I was approved for a 1 week visit to my home. ONE WEEK! I decided then, that i would take action. When it came time to go back, I made the first decision that would change my life. On that one week visit home, I decided that I wasn't going back, no matter what. When that week was up, I told everyone to fuck off, I wasn't returning.
Then I slipped into an endless loop of depression. I began smoking cigarettes (a habit that I have yet to break, simply because I've gotten to enjoy smoking), I drank every weekend and even more when I could get my hands on some alcohol, and would obsess on anything that could take me from that place so many people call "reality". One day, I met someone who was really different. I couldnt place it, but it was there, another woman in the situation I didnt know that was the same as mine. She introduced me into the LGBT comunity, and with her help I began to find joy in life. Finally, someone who could understand what I was going through!
But then, several months later I was explained what Transgendered was, and my world came down around my feet. I was a monster (read as confused) and I knew I couldnt tell anybody. I lived in one of those Big'Eared New England towns, the type of town where everyone knew everything. You couldn't even fart without someone noticing. So I stuffed those thoughts deep into the darkest corner of my brain, never to be let out again, or so I thought.
I went, hung out with friends, and generally acted like an ass. I tried to be a "big man".
Then came my first breakdown. I couldn't handle the pressure building inside of me, the topic of being trans an ever-present thought in my mind. I began smoking pot, hanging out with people just hoping someone would come and hurt me, end me. But it never came, so the thoughts went back into the box in my head and I double locked it this time, hoping it would never resurface.
Fast forward a bit, and the thoughts came back, but now on top of it all I was alone, on the one day no one wants to be alone. Love, flowers, chocolates, teddy bears, all that bullshit. So I wanted to be alone. Left alone. My father was at the door, telling me how I should stop being lazy and do "something". I told him to fuck off. Then we argued. My sister stupidly got involved, and like a bitch, she kicked me in the crotch. So she and I fought, and after all that, me and my father fought. It was a dark day for me, I hurt my family emotionally on a level I still deal with.
Fast Forward. I was araigned on 2 counts of assault and battery, and after given a psychiatric evaluation, I sentanced to one year of probation. Because the results of the psych eval, I was taken off of a medication cocktail I had been on since I was 12, and sent home. "Overmedicated, causing unstable mood, and aggressive outbursts." is what the eval said, and thanks to that, its what kept me from spending time in a cold empty cell. If they hadn't evaluated me, I would have gotten two and a half years.
A month or so into my probation, I began to think, ARMY. That'd do it right. Make me a tough man, hardcore, strong.... manly. After probation ended, I enlisted into the military. Worst choice I could have made. That same year I met someone on-line, who I thought was my saving grace. We decided to meet in person. Later the thoughts of being transgender became too much, and I had to tell her. And she had accepted me, but at the same time, never wanted to talk about it. Regardless, she was nice and we had gotten along at the time, so we, stupidly, got married. Soon after, though the marriage turned sour. But more on that later.
A while later I had another break down and called the recruiter and told him I was transgender and that I couldnt join the military. He told me if I wanted out, I'd have to tell a board of military officers and I'd risk possible prossicution. So I kept quiet and smashed down the thoughts once again. This time, I was sure that it had all just been a phase, or some kind of stupid fixation.....
I was wrong.
Fast forward. After Basic Training and after being in the military for awhile, me and the wife met a wonderful girl, Nia, at the mall we frequently went to. She became instant friends with us. Nia shared the pain my wife wouldn't, understood the things I felt when my wife couldn't. We all grew rather close, then a year or so later I had another breakdown and began cutting. Not deep wounds, no those didnt hurt as much. Shallow, broken wounds with a dulled obect, pins, plastic, glass, I didn't care. Nia did though, and we talked about the problems I was going through. I couldn't believe I had told her before but when we talked then it was like telling someone for the first time. I cried, but my wife wouldn't have it. She was too busy having sex on the internet to care. So Nia held me as I lay crying, she cleaned my wounds, and cared for me, trying to help me be strong. That Febuary she was admitted to the hospital for a horrible kidney infection, which we didnt know at the time. And seeing her in so much pain, right before a weekend with the military with live ammunition, I cracked. While I was visiting her in the hospital I contacted the E.R., and spoke with the On-Call Emergency Psychiatrist. I told her everything, and was admitted to the "suicide" ward to be watched while I waited for a second evaluation. They recommended medication, therapy and low stress.
Hah, low stress.
That summer we were thrown out of my parents house, no, it had just become time. So me, Nia and the wife moved to Bellingham Mass. We struggled to stay stable, eating pasta once daily because we could barely afford the rent. Then later that year my ex-wife left me because I didn't want her to binge drink in the apartment. She left for the man she had been having sex with on the internet. Alan something or other, some marine who talked big, pretended to be my friend, then stabbed me in the back. When that happened Nia stepped in. Protected me from myself, and from the world for a time. We were in love. We had always known, but we couldn't act on it until the ex left. I contacted a GOOD friend at BAGLY (http://www.bagly.com ) and she recommended my current psychiatric counsiler. I began seeing her, and discussing the Transgender issues, as well as family, my divorce, and my past.
Fast Forward. Its now been almost a year. Me and Nia are happier, getting stable on our own thanks to the help of my parents. And if my parents are reading this, know that I love you. You may not know it, but I love you both very much.
Present Day:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Time to talk about me now. As I've stated im a MtF Transgender Woman. I currently stand at about 6'2" -+ a few cm, have shoulder length blue hair, green eyes, and when I'm safe to do so, have begun "dressing". Shit I hate that word. It literally means dressing as the opposite gender. But I dress the way I want to dress, not the way people percieve my gender. My clothing is very "goth", I'm told, baggy pants or what not, but mostly floor length skirts, black denim. But about 2 weeks ago I began to wear falsies (false breasts) knowing I want hormones and wanting to know what kind of figure I'd have. It began with just a sports bra, then 3 days later, I purchased a water bra, and with VERY little stuffing realize once I get hormones I'll end at about a 34-36 C abouts. I was excited. They match my somewhat athletic build. I now wear them almost 24/7. It isnt much, but I feel better, more whole. I feel more like the woman I am. Some may ask "But Sasha, doesnt that mean you just like to cross dress?" The anwser is no. I'm not a Transvestite, I dont enjoy "dressing" I just feel...right. I'm happier, I feel beautiful, sexy, whole. "But Sasha, you wear fake breasts, some girl clothing and makeup... isn't that crossdressing? You just said you didnt like it." Exactly, but it isn't crossdressing, it's simply letting the person match the soul. Or so I feel. Without the breasts I definatly feel less whole, I find I also am not happy as easily or as often. But I'm becoming whole now. I'm rebuilding my life, I'm in therapy, and my goal is transition, and with any luck I'll be approved for hormones in a timely manner. And I invite you to join me. Laugh, cry, share, and above all else, learn with me.
My name is Sasha, and this is my story.......
Aim (Sasha Blackwing)
Yahoo (Sasha_Blackwing)
Here are some web links to help you learn more (I'll be posting them here and in my profile, along with the small hearts at the top of this journal):
myspace This is where you can go to get in touch with me more personally.
tsroadmap This is one of the, if not THE best Transgender resource site around.
BAGLY This is the link to the Boston Aliance of Gay, Lesbian Transgendered and Questioning Youth.
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[28 Oct 2005|07:21am] |
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remys's journal